It's been a while since the last post here, a bit over 2 years. There have been other projects etc, however I've made a new commitment to blogging and keeping you up to date on all the latest happenings right here on this very blog.
So, sign up for the newsletter and add us to your RSS feeds and all that good stuff. There will be regular posts combined with video and audio. The basics will be addressed so that you can build a solid foundation and expand from there.
I look forward to creating a variety of compelling experiences with you.
Best of health & Wealth,
David Martin
info at answerconcepts.com
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Thinking Out Loud
"The first great gift we can bestow on others is a good example." - Thomas Morell
Language is a powerful filter on our individual experience. Its part of the culture we’re born into and is difficult to change. It channels our thoughts in particular directions, making it easy to think in some ways it difficult to think and others.
Our language makes fine distinctions in some areas and not in others, depending on what’s important in the culture. For example, we have dozens of words for a hamburger and a multitude of different names for cars.
The world is as rich and varied as we choose to make it, and the language we inherit plays a crucial part in directing our attention to some parts of it and not others.
Our thoughts are not determined by language. While we can and do think in words, our thoughts are also a mixture of mental pictures, sounds and feelings. Knowing a language is knowing how to translate these into words.
The question we want to explore here is, what happens to our thoughts as we clothe them in language, and how faithfully are they preserved when our listeners undress them?
Language, of course, has its own ambiguities, for example the newspaper article headed: “Census Gives Facts On Men Broken Down By Age, Sex and Occupation.” Leaving these sorts of examples aside, words have different meanings to different people, because no two people have had the same experiences.
Words are anchors for sense experience, but the experience is not the reality, and the word is not the experience. Language is thus two moves from reality. To argue about the real meaning of a word is like arguing that one menu tastes better than the other because you prefer the food that is printed on it.
People who learn another language, nearly all its report, a radical change in the way they think about the world.
The Best is yet to come!
David Martin
Answer Concepts, S.A.
answerconcepts@msn.com
Language is a powerful filter on our individual experience. Its part of the culture we’re born into and is difficult to change. It channels our thoughts in particular directions, making it easy to think in some ways it difficult to think and others.
Our language makes fine distinctions in some areas and not in others, depending on what’s important in the culture. For example, we have dozens of words for a hamburger and a multitude of different names for cars.
The world is as rich and varied as we choose to make it, and the language we inherit plays a crucial part in directing our attention to some parts of it and not others.
Our thoughts are not determined by language. While we can and do think in words, our thoughts are also a mixture of mental pictures, sounds and feelings. Knowing a language is knowing how to translate these into words.
The question we want to explore here is, what happens to our thoughts as we clothe them in language, and how faithfully are they preserved when our listeners undress them?
Language, of course, has its own ambiguities, for example the newspaper article headed: “Census Gives Facts On Men Broken Down By Age, Sex and Occupation.” Leaving these sorts of examples aside, words have different meanings to different people, because no two people have had the same experiences.
Words are anchors for sense experience, but the experience is not the reality, and the word is not the experience. Language is thus two moves from reality. To argue about the real meaning of a word is like arguing that one menu tastes better than the other because you prefer the food that is printed on it.
People who learn another language, nearly all its report, a radical change in the way they think about the world.
The Best is yet to come!
David Martin
Answer Concepts, S.A.
answerconcepts@msn.com
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Where Do Your Values Come From?
"When you meet someone better than yourself, turn your thoughts to becoming his equal. When you meet someone not as good as you are, look within and examine your own self." - Confucius
You will have gathered values all your life, starting from the day you were born, and carried some of them into adulthood.
What are they? How did you get them? What influence are they having on you?
Inherited values are possibly the most common.
As a child, you'll have been influenced by what was important to your parents, siblings, extended family, teachers and group leaders. Later on, you will have become a little more selective, adapting the values of your chosen heroes from the world of sport, fashion, film, music, politics and so on.
By the time you reached adulthood your values were already forming a major part of your adult programs. For example, if you are always told to finish your food at meal times, you may now be eating much more than you need. If your parents were very academic you may put a high value on acquiring formal qualifications.
Compensatory values are formed when you go to the other extreme to compensate for something which didn't happen for you. For example, if you had a deprived childhood you may compensate for this by overindulging your own children.
Your own judgments, or the way you perceive your own experiences will have an impact on the value you place on. If you have ever been burgled or robbed you are likely to place a high value on security, which may or may not be appropriate in some circumstances.
On the surface these values may seem innocent enough. However, under closer inspection it is surprising, what a major role they play in determining the way your life pants out.
When you recognize an uncomfortable tone, a feeling that all is not well, examine your values to determine whether what you are doing is violating a deeply held value.
A significant part of one on one coaching involves eliciting and creating a hierarchy of your values. Keeping your values aligned with personal mission is critical for maintaining your motivation.
Send an email to answerconcepts@msn.com to schedule a one on one consultation on determining your most important values. Be sure to include your telephone number.
Show Up, Suit Up & Step Up! The Best is yet to come!
David Martin
Answer Concepts,
answerconcepts@msn.com
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Being Congruent
"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment." - Jim Rohn
Sometimes a change in behavior does not follow a change of thinking.
Have you ever been in a position where you have done something you didn’t want to do? Per haps you did it to please someone and then felt you had done yourself a disservice.
Or maybe you made a decision to lead a healthier lifestyle and take up running, aerobics, martial arts or yoga, but when the time came to attend a class or go to the gym you reverted to your previously conditioned bad habit. It’s at times like these you feel a misalignment.
This state of misalignment is what is known as “incongruence.” The behavior doesn’t match the level of desired or stated change. Deep inside you want to act a certain way, but when the time comes you resist the inner urge and say something like, “not this time” or “maybe next time.”
This is incongruence; it is not something that success thrives on. Success requires congruence and this means alignment on all levels from purpose, right down to behavior.
Only then can affect your environment in the way you really want. This is the process of building self-confidence – knowing that you have executed a change of mind and acted accordingly. Being able to recognize when you are being incongruent is the first step in making your desired change happen.
The feeling of incongruence doesn’t have to stem from a major life realization – it can happen during the course of a business meeting, a sales presentation or in a conversation with a partner. So whatever you’re doing, it pays to be able to be able to recognize feelings of incongruence.
When you take a close look at the times when you are being successful, chances are you are also feeling happy and confident. Of course you can imagine all sorts of bad things happening if you choose to, but when you’re engaged in the act of doing something superbly well is when you’ll be at your happiest.
There is an old saying, “if you have to ask yourself if you are happy then you are probably not.” Happiness is a state of mind, and you arrive at it through being congruent in your actions.
So now you know what comes next. It’s time for you to Show Up, Suit Up & Step Up!
The Best is yet to come!
David Martin
Answer Concepts, S.A.
answerconcepts@msn.com
Sometimes a change in behavior does not follow a change of thinking.
Have you ever been in a position where you have done something you didn’t want to do? Per haps you did it to please someone and then felt you had done yourself a disservice.
Or maybe you made a decision to lead a healthier lifestyle and take up running, aerobics, martial arts or yoga, but when the time came to attend a class or go to the gym you reverted to your previously conditioned bad habit. It’s at times like these you feel a misalignment.
This state of misalignment is what is known as “incongruence.” The behavior doesn’t match the level of desired or stated change. Deep inside you want to act a certain way, but when the time comes you resist the inner urge and say something like, “not this time” or “maybe next time.”
This is incongruence; it is not something that success thrives on. Success requires congruence and this means alignment on all levels from purpose, right down to behavior.
Only then can affect your environment in the way you really want. This is the process of building self-confidence – knowing that you have executed a change of mind and acted accordingly. Being able to recognize when you are being incongruent is the first step in making your desired change happen.
The feeling of incongruence doesn’t have to stem from a major life realization – it can happen during the course of a business meeting, a sales presentation or in a conversation with a partner. So whatever you’re doing, it pays to be able to be able to recognize feelings of incongruence.
When you take a close look at the times when you are being successful, chances are you are also feeling happy and confident. Of course you can imagine all sorts of bad things happening if you choose to, but when you’re engaged in the act of doing something superbly well is when you’ll be at your happiest.
There is an old saying, “if you have to ask yourself if you are happy then you are probably not.” Happiness is a state of mind, and you arrive at it through being congruent in your actions.
So now you know what comes next. It’s time for you to Show Up, Suit Up & Step Up!
The Best is yet to come!
David Martin
Answer Concepts, S.A.
answerconcepts@msn.com
Monday, August 27, 2007
NLP & Sales
"No tool is more beneficial than intelligence. No enemy is more harmful than ignorance." – unknown
Much has been written about sales and sales psychology. There are entire libraries of books to refer to when seeking to increase your skills in selling. I'm going to touch lightly on some of the possibilities using NLP to maximize your selling potential.
Selling is often misunderstood, like advertising. The popular definition describes advertising as the art of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
The whole purpose of sales, as the book "The One Minute Salesperson" puts very eloquently, is to help people get what they want. The more you help people get what they want, the more successful a salesperson you will be.
Many NLP ideas will work towards this purpose. Initial rapport is important. Anchoring resources will enable you to meet challenges in resourceful state. Feeling good about your work lets you do good work.
Future pacing can help to create the situations and feelings that you want, by mentally rehearsing them first. Setting the well formed outcomes is an invaluable skill in selling.
The same process that you applied in forming your own criteria during the development of your outcomes, can be used to help others become clear about what they want. This is a skill that is crucial in selling, because you can only satisfy the buyer if you know exactly what they want.
The idea of chunking up and chunking down can help you find out what people need. What are their criteria? What is important to them about a product?
Do they have an outcome in mind about what they are buying, and can you help them to realize it?
One of my clients is a partner in a top producing Real Estate office in
Several of the keys to her success are her ability to establish rapport with the customer, and her personal integrity and only selling a property that will help you achieve what you want to do with your real estate portfolio. Her company survives very well in the face of strong competition from major players.
In this model, she chunks up to find out the criteria and outcome of her customers, and then chunks down to exactly the specific property that best fits their need. Sometimes this involves a move sideways from what the customer initially asked for.
Sidestepping can be very useful to find out what a person likes about a product. What other good points? What are the points of difference that means one person chooses one product, versus another?
Exploring what a person truly wants, with emphasis in these directions, is a consistent pattern of the top producing salespeople. Congruence is essential. What a salesperson by or used the product he or she is selling? Does he or she you really believe in the advantage is that they promote?
Incongruence can leak out in tonality and posture, and make the buyer an easy.
Professional sales can be fun. Understanding and applying the skills and strategies from NLP to sales can turn an ordinary sales position into a proverbial gold mine.
Mastering NLP means becoming a master of oneself. The Best is yet to come!
David Martin
Answer Concepts,
answerconcepts@msn.com
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
NLP & Coaching
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." - Harriet Beecher Stowe
Coaching is about change, about making changes. A coach is a magician of change, who takes the cards you have it helps you to play your hand better or sometimes to even change the rules of the game.
Changes come from dreams of something better. When we have achieved one dream, we look forward and dream again. There is always the dream beyond the dream.
It's about bringing your dreams into reality and this is what a coach does for you. Coaching engages your imagination and at the same time, is immensely practical in the real world. It deals with goals and achievements.
It links your world of dreaming with your world of reality.
A coach is not only a magician of change, but also a coach can be a freedom fighter.
There are two aspects of freedom. The first is freedom from something and the second freedom to do something. Coaches work on both types of freedom. They help clients released themselves from unsatisfying or unpleasant circumstances. Then they open up choices and possibilities.
If you're engaged in a fight for freedom, who are your enemies? What stops the changes that you want to make?
Mostly, your enemy is Habit habitual actions, habitual thinking. Habits that have dug themselves in over time and are hard to remove. All habits accomplish something of value, otherwise they would not become habits in the first place. But times change and our habits may no longer serve our purpose.
Habits are maintained in numerous ways. We arrange our surroundings to support them. Other people expect us to behave in a predictable way and so treat us in a predictable way, reinforcing our habits.
Habits are like the cruise control on your car - they are set for a certain speed in a certain direction. Then the driver does not have to pay attention. To change the speed and direction, the driver does have to pay attention. Once habits are changed, the new habit will take them in a different direction down a different road.
A coach engages the habits that are holding the client back, sometimes by guerrilla warfare, sometimes by direct assault. Coaching will change the direction of your life. It may only be one small change at a time, but small changes at up.
Think of your life is a journey down the road. You don't know where you are heading, but the scenery is pleasant. After a while you begin to see that your life is being recycled. You see that the same thing comes around again.
Then you come to a branch in the road. Actually, there have been branches all along the road, but you haven't noticed that. Or, if you have, you were comfortable on that road, so you ignored them.
However now the game is different, you have a coach to alert you to the possibilities of change. You change direction, ever so slightly. You take a new road, one that diverges just a little from your original.
The first temptation maybe to think, "Huh! Hardly worth doing." It may be true that the change is only a small one in the short term. But the longer you maintain that change, further away from your original road you will travel. After a year, you will be an entirely different country. This will be so even if you never make another change.
The larger the change in direction, the shorter time it will take to come to new scenery. However, even the slightest change will take you on a different journey if you persist. You simply need to keep on the new track, even though the old one may call you back with seductive promises of familiar comforts.
"The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know." But is there a devil at all on the new road?
What is the role of a coach in this process? A coach does three things:
In general, life is a series of small decisions. A big change is often many little changes saved up for the right moment. Each decision we make either keeps us on the same comfortable track or takes us toward what we truly want.
Coaching helps you to decide and that decision is uniquely yours.
The Best is yet to come!
David Martin.
Answer Concepts, S.A.
answerconcepts@msn.com
Coaching is about change, about making changes. A coach is a magician of change, who takes the cards you have it helps you to play your hand better or sometimes to even change the rules of the game.
Changes come from dreams of something better. When we have achieved one dream, we look forward and dream again. There is always the dream beyond the dream.
It's about bringing your dreams into reality and this is what a coach does for you. Coaching engages your imagination and at the same time, is immensely practical in the real world. It deals with goals and achievements.
It links your world of dreaming with your world of reality.
A coach is not only a magician of change, but also a coach can be a freedom fighter.
There are two aspects of freedom. The first is freedom from something and the second freedom to do something. Coaches work on both types of freedom. They help clients released themselves from unsatisfying or unpleasant circumstances. Then they open up choices and possibilities.
If you're engaged in a fight for freedom, who are your enemies? What stops the changes that you want to make?
Mostly, your enemy is Habit habitual actions, habitual thinking. Habits that have dug themselves in over time and are hard to remove. All habits accomplish something of value, otherwise they would not become habits in the first place. But times change and our habits may no longer serve our purpose.
Habits are maintained in numerous ways. We arrange our surroundings to support them. Other people expect us to behave in a predictable way and so treat us in a predictable way, reinforcing our habits.
Habits are like the cruise control on your car - they are set for a certain speed in a certain direction. Then the driver does not have to pay attention. To change the speed and direction, the driver does have to pay attention. Once habits are changed, the new habit will take them in a different direction down a different road.
A coach engages the habits that are holding the client back, sometimes by guerrilla warfare, sometimes by direct assault. Coaching will change the direction of your life. It may only be one small change at a time, but small changes at up.
Think of your life is a journey down the road. You don't know where you are heading, but the scenery is pleasant. After a while you begin to see that your life is being recycled. You see that the same thing comes around again.
Then you come to a branch in the road. Actually, there have been branches all along the road, but you haven't noticed that. Or, if you have, you were comfortable on that road, so you ignored them.
However now the game is different, you have a coach to alert you to the possibilities of change. You change direction, ever so slightly. You take a new road, one that diverges just a little from your original.
The first temptation maybe to think, "Huh! Hardly worth doing." It may be true that the change is only a small one in the short term. But the longer you maintain that change, further away from your original road you will travel. After a year, you will be an entirely different country. This will be so even if you never make another change.
The larger the change in direction, the shorter time it will take to come to new scenery. However, even the slightest change will take you on a different journey if you persist. You simply need to keep on the new track, even though the old one may call you back with seductive promises of familiar comforts.
"The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know." But is there a devil at all on the new road?
What is the role of a coach in this process? A coach does three things:
- Shows you the track you are on
- Points out the choices and helps you take the new road
- Helps you persist in maintaining that change
In general, life is a series of small decisions. A big change is often many little changes saved up for the right moment. Each decision we make either keeps us on the same comfortable track or takes us toward what we truly want.
Coaching helps you to decide and that decision is uniquely yours.
The Best is yet to come!
David Martin.
Answer Concepts, S.A.
answerconcepts@msn.com
Sunday, August 5, 2007
The Art of Negotiation - NLP Style
"There are no hopeless situations; there are only people who have grown hopeless about them." - Clare Boothe
Negotiation is communicating for the purpose of getting a joint decision, one that can be congruently agreed on by both sides. It is the process of getting what you want from others by giving to others what they want, and it takes place in any meeting or interests conflict.
Would that it were as easy to do as it is to describe. There is a balance in the dance between your integrity, values and outcomes, and those of the other participants. The dance of communication goes back and forth, some interests and values will be shared, some opposed.
In this sense, negotiation permeates everything we do. We are dealing here with the process of negotiation, rather than what you are actually negotiating over.
Negotiation often takes place about scarce resources. The key skill in negotiation is to dovetail outcomes: to fit them together so that everyone involved gets what they want (although that may not be the same as their demand at the beginning of the negotiation). The presupposition is that the best way to achieve your outcome is to make sure that everyone involved achieve theirs too.
The opposite of dovetail outcomes is regulation, or other people's wants are disregarded. There are four dragons that lie in wait for those that practice manipulation: remorse, resentment, recrimination and revenge.
When you negotiate by seeking to dovetail outcomes the other people involved become your allies, not your opponents. If the negotiation can be framed as allies solving a common problem, the problem is already partially solved. Dovetailing is finding that area of overlap.
Separate the people from the problem. It's worth remembering that most negotiations involve people with whom you have, or want, and ongoing relationship. Whether you are negotiating over a sale, salary or a holiday, if you get what you want at the other person's expense, or they think you have pulled a fast one, you will lose goodwill that may be worth much more in the long run than success in that one meeting.
You will be negotiating because you have different outcomes. You need to explore these differences, because they will point to areas where you can make trade-offs to mutual advantage. Interests that conflict at one level may be resolved if you can find ways of each party getting their outcome higher level.
This is where chunking up enables you to find and make use of alternative higher-level outcomes. The initial outcome is only one way of achieving a higher level outcome.
For example, in a negotiation over salary (initial outcome), more money is only one way of obtaining a better quality of life (higher-level outcome). There may be other ways of achieving a better quality of life, if money is not available - longer holidays, or more flexible working hours, for example. Chunking up builds bridges across points of difference.
People may want the same thing for different reasons. For example, imagine two people quarreling over a pumpkin. They both want it. However, when they explain exactly why they want it, you find that one wants the fruit to make a pie, and the other wants the rind to make a Halloween mask.
In reality, they are not fighting over the same thing at all. Many conflicts disappear when analyzed this way. This is a small example, but imagine all the different possibilities there are many apparent disagreements.
If there is a stalemate, and a person refuses to consider a particular step, you can ask the question, "what would have to happen for this not to be a problem?" or "under what circumstances would you be prepared to give way on this?"
This is a creative application of the As If frame in the answer can often break through the impasse. You're asking the person who made the plot to think away around it.
Set your limits before you start. It is confusing and self-defeating to negotiate with yourself when you need to be negotiating with someone else. You need what Roger Fisher and Williams Ury in their marvelous book on negotiation, "Getting to Yes," called BATNA, or Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement.
What will you do if despite all the efforts of both parties you cannot agree? Having a reasonable BATNA gives you more leverage in the negotiation and greater sense of security.
Focus on interests and intentions rather than behavior. It's easy to get drawn into winning points and condemning behavior, but nobody really wins in these situations.
A wise and durable agreement will take in community and ecological interests. A mutually satisfying solution will be based on a dovetailing of interests, a win/win, not a win/lose model. So what is important is the problem and not the people, the intentions not the behavior, the interests of the parties not their positions.
It's also essential to have an evidence procedure that is independent of the parties involved. If the negotiation is framed as a joint search for a solution, it will be governed by principles and not pressure. Yield only to principle, not pressure.
There are some specific ideas to keep in mind while negotiating. Do not make a counterproposal immediately after the other side has made a proposal. This is precisely the time when they are least interested in your offering. Discuss their proposal first. If you disagree, give the reasons first. Saying you disagree immediately is a good way to make the other person's deaf to your next few sentences.
All good negotiators use a lot of questions. In fact, two good negotiators will often start negotiating over the number of questions. "I've answered three of your questions, now you answer some of mine..."
Questions give you time to think and they are an alternative to disagreement. It's far better to get the other person to see the weakness in his position by asking him questions about it, rather than by telling him the weaknesses you perceive.
Good negotiators also explicitly signaled their questions. They will say something like, "May I ask you a question about that?" By doing so they focus the attention of the meeting on the answer and make it difficult for the person questioned to evade the point if he has agreed to answer the question.
It would seem that the more reason to give for your point of view, the better. Phrases like "the weight of the argument" seem to suggest it is good to pile arguments on the scales until it comes down on your side. In fact the opposite is true.
The fewer the reasons you give, the better, because a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A weak argument dilutes a strong one, and if you are drawn into defending it, you are on poor ground.
Beware of a person who says, "Is that your only argument?" If you have a good one, say, "Yes". Do not get drawn into giving them another, necessarily weaker one. The follow-up may be, "Is that all?" If you take the bait you'll just give him ammunition. Hopefully, if the negotiation is framed as a joint search for a solution, this sort of trick will not occur.
Finally, you can use the As If frame and play the devil's advocate to test the agreement ("No, I don't really think this is going to work, it all seems too flimsy to me..."). If other people agree with you, you know that there is still work to be done. If they argue, all is well.
Negotiation can be tricky, and it can also be a lot of fun. Use the above checklists as a guide. Study, practice and adapt these prescribed strategies and make them your own.
Mastery starts with you. As I've said many times before, Master yourself and you'll Master your world.
The Best is yet to come!
David Martin.
Answer Concepts, S.A.
answerconcepts@msn.com
Negotiation is communicating for the purpose of getting a joint decision, one that can be congruently agreed on by both sides. It is the process of getting what you want from others by giving to others what they want, and it takes place in any meeting or interests conflict.
Would that it were as easy to do as it is to describe. There is a balance in the dance between your integrity, values and outcomes, and those of the other participants. The dance of communication goes back and forth, some interests and values will be shared, some opposed.
In this sense, negotiation permeates everything we do. We are dealing here with the process of negotiation, rather than what you are actually negotiating over.
Negotiation often takes place about scarce resources. The key skill in negotiation is to dovetail outcomes: to fit them together so that everyone involved gets what they want (although that may not be the same as their demand at the beginning of the negotiation). The presupposition is that the best way to achieve your outcome is to make sure that everyone involved achieve theirs too.
The opposite of dovetail outcomes is regulation, or other people's wants are disregarded. There are four dragons that lie in wait for those that practice manipulation: remorse, resentment, recrimination and revenge.
When you negotiate by seeking to dovetail outcomes the other people involved become your allies, not your opponents. If the negotiation can be framed as allies solving a common problem, the problem is already partially solved. Dovetailing is finding that area of overlap.
Separate the people from the problem. It's worth remembering that most negotiations involve people with whom you have, or want, and ongoing relationship. Whether you are negotiating over a sale, salary or a holiday, if you get what you want at the other person's expense, or they think you have pulled a fast one, you will lose goodwill that may be worth much more in the long run than success in that one meeting.
You will be negotiating because you have different outcomes. You need to explore these differences, because they will point to areas where you can make trade-offs to mutual advantage. Interests that conflict at one level may be resolved if you can find ways of each party getting their outcome higher level.
This is where chunking up enables you to find and make use of alternative higher-level outcomes. The initial outcome is only one way of achieving a higher level outcome.
For example, in a negotiation over salary (initial outcome), more money is only one way of obtaining a better quality of life (higher-level outcome). There may be other ways of achieving a better quality of life, if money is not available - longer holidays, or more flexible working hours, for example. Chunking up builds bridges across points of difference.
People may want the same thing for different reasons. For example, imagine two people quarreling over a pumpkin. They both want it. However, when they explain exactly why they want it, you find that one wants the fruit to make a pie, and the other wants the rind to make a Halloween mask.
In reality, they are not fighting over the same thing at all. Many conflicts disappear when analyzed this way. This is a small example, but imagine all the different possibilities there are many apparent disagreements.
If there is a stalemate, and a person refuses to consider a particular step, you can ask the question, "what would have to happen for this not to be a problem?" or "under what circumstances would you be prepared to give way on this?"
This is a creative application of the As If frame in the answer can often break through the impasse. You're asking the person who made the plot to think away around it.
Set your limits before you start. It is confusing and self-defeating to negotiate with yourself when you need to be negotiating with someone else. You need what Roger Fisher and Williams Ury in their marvelous book on negotiation, "Getting to Yes," called BATNA, or Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement.
What will you do if despite all the efforts of both parties you cannot agree? Having a reasonable BATNA gives you more leverage in the negotiation and greater sense of security.
Focus on interests and intentions rather than behavior. It's easy to get drawn into winning points and condemning behavior, but nobody really wins in these situations.
A wise and durable agreement will take in community and ecological interests. A mutually satisfying solution will be based on a dovetailing of interests, a win/win, not a win/lose model. So what is important is the problem and not the people, the intentions not the behavior, the interests of the parties not their positions.
It's also essential to have an evidence procedure that is independent of the parties involved. If the negotiation is framed as a joint search for a solution, it will be governed by principles and not pressure. Yield only to principle, not pressure.
There are some specific ideas to keep in mind while negotiating. Do not make a counterproposal immediately after the other side has made a proposal. This is precisely the time when they are least interested in your offering. Discuss their proposal first. If you disagree, give the reasons first. Saying you disagree immediately is a good way to make the other person's deaf to your next few sentences.
All good negotiators use a lot of questions. In fact, two good negotiators will often start negotiating over the number of questions. "I've answered three of your questions, now you answer some of mine..."
Questions give you time to think and they are an alternative to disagreement. It's far better to get the other person to see the weakness in his position by asking him questions about it, rather than by telling him the weaknesses you perceive.
Good negotiators also explicitly signaled their questions. They will say something like, "May I ask you a question about that?" By doing so they focus the attention of the meeting on the answer and make it difficult for the person questioned to evade the point if he has agreed to answer the question.
It would seem that the more reason to give for your point of view, the better. Phrases like "the weight of the argument" seem to suggest it is good to pile arguments on the scales until it comes down on your side. In fact the opposite is true.
The fewer the reasons you give, the better, because a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A weak argument dilutes a strong one, and if you are drawn into defending it, you are on poor ground.
Beware of a person who says, "Is that your only argument?" If you have a good one, say, "Yes". Do not get drawn into giving them another, necessarily weaker one. The follow-up may be, "Is that all?" If you take the bait you'll just give him ammunition. Hopefully, if the negotiation is framed as a joint search for a solution, this sort of trick will not occur.
Finally, you can use the As If frame and play the devil's advocate to test the agreement ("No, I don't really think this is going to work, it all seems too flimsy to me..."). If other people agree with you, you know that there is still work to be done. If they argue, all is well.
Negotiation can be tricky, and it can also be a lot of fun. Use the above checklists as a guide. Study, practice and adapt these prescribed strategies and make them your own.
Mastery starts with you. As I've said many times before, Master yourself and you'll Master your world.
The Best is yet to come!
David Martin.
Answer Concepts, S.A.
answerconcepts@msn.com
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